Beginnings of the Chronic Pain Journey

The niggling pain that started in my right ankle after getting out of bed, the familiar story. We usually hear from others, “I was bending down and my back went”. After seeing the GP he diagnosed me with a herniated disc, just by looking at my posture, and doing a few bending exercises. No proper examination or screening to say otherwise. How could I disagree with a medical expert? His recommendation was to walk it off, and he would refer me for physiotherapy aswell. 

We had entered lockdown in March 2020, and I remember it very well. My first zoom session with a physiotherapist. She told me to touch my toes, and recommended some standard wall exercises with a tennis ball. I was chuffed when I showed her I could touch my toes. When I was undertaking the exercise she recommended the next day, I didn’t expect the level of pain it brought on, and not being able to touch my toes. I was panicking and could not understand what was happening to my body. The pain was excruciating and travelled towards my back. 

On my second zoom call I was frantically telling the physiotherapist, what was happening, and her expression indicated that she was not least at all surprised, “Yes this happens”, she said with a blank expression on her face, somewhat unenthusiastically. She said words to the effect of “given we are in lockdown you are unlikely to have surgery yet”. Surgery? Sorry I missed that. What surgery? She said it as if it was like getting the dinner ready, in a nonchalant, calm manner. 

My heart was beating very fast and I could not catch my breath, and I felt my chest tightening, and panic setting into my body. Why would I need surgery I thought? I have never had pain in my body so I thought. She told me that my nerve was compressing on my disc. What did this all mean? I was telling her that my pain had exacerbated, and the exercises she recommended were not helping me. All I wanted was reassurance, that my pain would ease, however none was forthcoming.

She explained that I should carry on doing wall exercises, and I kept thinking my pain is never ending, and is increasing. My nervous system was heightened in a fight or flight mode. I would stand in the living room pressed up against the wall in agony as many times as possible, praying my pain would ease with the exercises. I could feel the nerve pain travelling through every ligament, muscle, and tendon that I could think of, and feel from my brain. 

When I went for a walk the burning sensation in my right calf was so painful. The physiotherapist had told me not to walk or run for 6 weeks for any length of time, certainly no longer than 10 minutes. I felt depressed especially as we were in lockdown, what was I to do? I had a 7 month old baby and toddler to look after, I couldn’t just relax. In my mind I kept thinking what can I do to relieve this pain? I couldn’t see anyone in lockdown, and that was a huge relief in a way as I felt ashamed, debilitated, and depressed. It was also detrimental as I didn’t share my debilitating pain with my close friends, or other family members, I turned inwards, and suppressed my emotions. 

I was hurting mentally and physically. Before having kids I was very active, playing a sport, going to the gym, running. I remember after having my daughter my activity levels significantly reduced as “I didn’t have time”. Here I was unable to physically do anything and questioning where did it go wrong? My ego was definitely being tested.

I needed to understand and learn what was happening to me. I googled back pain, and came across Dr Sarno, and his book Healing Back Pain, about tension mind/body symptoms, which was my lightbulb moment.

3 takeaways:

1. Start being aware of what emotions, trauma, stress that have triggered your chronic pain. A timeline of certain events/triggers from something significant, to even a minor thing can trigger pain from childhood up to the present moment.
2. Research and build up your knowledge so that you are not surprised, or fearful by your physical pain, and understand it starts in the brain. Awareness and knowledge is key.
3. Be kind to yourself and remember that others have been through this pain journey and healed fully, and so can you.

DM me if you feel you need a coach to partner with you, or need further help on your healing journey.

By Narinder Sheena (Mapcoach) View profile